


Letter to a New Megaten Protagonist

by Nyx (nyxmidnight)



Category: Persona Series, Shin Megami Tensei Series
Genre: Comedy, Dear New Guy Letter, Gen, Humor, Memes, Meta, No Smut, No Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 11:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11462916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyxmidnight/pseuds/Nyx
Summary: > There is a letter in your shoes locker. It might be a love letter! Read it?





	Letter to a New Megaten Protagonist

Hello new guy (or girl but let’s face it you’re way more likely to be a boy).

What’s your name?

That’s a nice name. Too bad there’s only a 50/50 chance of you keeping it.

Anyway. You might have just survived the end of the world! (congrats if you did!) Or your world might be in real danger of ending. Or it might have already ended! (sorry if it did.) We’re not sure. But if you’re reading this, the end of the world is on your timeline at some closeby point. Sorry about that.

We thought you could use some free advice to help you survive your new situation of protagonist in a pre- or post-apocalyptic scenario. Or apocalyptic scenario. Y’know. Out of the goodness of our hearts. Mostly.

We might not seem like it, but we like company.

  * Take a good look at your best friend. There’s a high chance he’s not going to make it. Sorry.
  * For that matter, take a good look at your female love interest as well. She also has a high probability of not making it. Again, sorry.
  * That black cat might have insulted you, your lineage, and/or your intelligence, but chances are he’s gonna be the only one actually looking out for you ‘til the end.
  * One of us wants you to know that demons are a lot more edible than you think. Another one of us concurs. Everyone else hopes it doesn’t come down to this for you.
  * Regardless of sex, gender, age, dress, or eye colour, if it’s got pale blond hair and is named a variation of “Louis”, or a pun based on “light” or “star”, it’s Lucifer. As in The Devil of that American religion, yes.
  * Basically, look out for anyone with a name related to any form of light.
  * No, Satan is someone else entirely. Don’t confuse the two. Very important.
  * Satanel is also someone else entirely. Never assume that similar name mean same person (or same side of the messy bar fight you’re about to be dragged into).
  * Take everything Lucifer tells you with a mine of salt. Everything he tells you is true. The problem is he might be omitting a big chunk of said truth.
  * Take everything the being calling himself God tells you with an even bigger mine of salt. Most of what he tells you is a lie. Except for any part about killing you, eternal torment, or a fate worse than death. That part’s all true. Kill him first.
  * If anyone challenges you to a duel, get the buffs.
  * Her name is Alice. She’s going to ask you to die for her. This fight is going to suck. _For you._
  * A huge dick awaits you. This may or may not be literal. It’s most likely both. Sorry.
  * Speaking of dicks, keep yours in your pants. This is very serious. Just because harem-ing it worked (sort of) for three of us should only serve as warning that it works exceedingly rarely. Don’t even try.
  * If you happen to not have a dick in your pants, keep whatever you have inside your pants at all time _anyway._
  * _Even if you’re not wearing any pants at all._
  * _Look we have enough problems with half-demons already._
  * _No you’re not allowed to ask._
  * The half-demons among us agree, yes.
  * That which does not kill you should be a large hint that you needed protection against Dark and Light yesterday.
  * We already tried to exorcise Lucifer so you don’t have to. _You’re welcome_.
  * You cannot trust The Man.
  * We’re still divided on whether you can trust man at all, really.
  * It’s not that we don’t believe in the power of friendship. It’s that more often than not, it’s going to bite you in the ass at some point. See the first point of this letter about your best friend.
  * We also hope you paid attention in the following classes: Japanese, English, any and all other foreign language class, History.
  * In fact, if you know about Latin, Sanskrit, or World Culture and Religions, it’s gonna help immensely right about now.
  * In an ideal world, these would have been part of the curriculum. But we’re sure the demons have established by now that this isn’t an ideal world.
  * Yes the angels are demons too. Yes, we know they’ll tell you otherwise. They’re wrong.
  * If you get hailed as a Messiah, run. In the opposite direction from the adoring masses. Very fast. Trust us. Some of us have been there. Nothing good will come of it.
  * And remember: when everything is at its worst, nothing seems to work, and you’re tempted to give up, fusion will save us all in the end.



We’re looking forward to welcoming you among us.

Sincerely,

Your predecessors.

P.S. Try not to feel bad.


End file.
